The Artists Muse

Sometimes it seems that ideas are just not coming fast enough, other times it seems you can't shut them off. Maya Angelou said that, "You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have." I don't paint very often and I am often at a loss to explain why. There is the desire, but desire is not enough. I do have creative outlets. I journal every day and incorporate little color pencil drawings into the borders. So perhaps this should suffice. But there is always the desire to do more. There is always this thought that if one is not painting, one isn't really creating. I'm not sure why this is. Perhaps it just seems that painters get all the recognition, and draftsmen come in a distant second. I couldn't be an oil painter. Too many allergies. Solvents make me sick. But there has always been this desire to play like the big boys. To be able to create a beautiful piece of art that will stand the test of time. To have one's work in a major museum must be an awesome feeling. Robert Ryman paints white canvases. Blank white canvases. Seriously. So there is the sense that it is not all that it seems to be. Fame must have more to do with something other than absolute talent. I'm not saying that Robert Ryman isn't talented, it just seems that perhaps I am missing something. Robert Ryman's works end up in major museums and it is a puzzle to me as to what makes them a critical success.
All my life I thought draftsmanship was everything. If you couldn't draw, you weren't an artist. But there are a number of artists, good artists, who can't draw. Frank Stella is one. In my mind he is a good artist. Seeing his work for the first time at the Baltimore Museum of Art was inspiring. He works in a large scale, most work is metal, he uses enamel paints I believe, and his shapes are abstract. He is a sculptor. And a good one. His pieces are moving works of art. So how does one create such works and still not be able to draw? Most artists make technical drawings to work out any potential problems that might arise. How does Stella work? Where does he get his ideas? Do they just materialize out of thin air? How does he commit them to memory if he doesn't draw? I think it is clear that being a successful artist is more than just having a preconceived notion as to what art is.

A Brush With Darkness

hello. I haven't written for awhile. There is still creating going on , though perhaps a little slowly. The shop where I sell my work closed last week. Which means looking for new venues. I am a little nervous about approaching new owners. It has been a while since there was the need to sell myself. I have about half a dozen new works. Depression has been a problem. Just not much interest in creating. Spend a lot of time journaling and creating art journals. It is creating but not nearly as draining. Forty three days 'til Spring. It will be nice to see tree buds again.

Spring

I have a habit of counting the days 'til spring. I know, in a way this is kind of weird because I ignore the beauty of the days that I am in the midst of. I am always looking forward, instead of enjoying the present moment. I just love spring. It is wonderful watching the trees come into bloom and watching everything turn green and pink and white. The many shades of green are so beautiful to look at. Fall has its own beauty, the colors of the leaves are so brilliant. But these soon drop off and leave barren tree limbs. And then cold weather sets in and for someone prone to melancholy, the difficult waiting period 'til spring arrives. One would think I would find something to do that helps minimize the effects of the dark winter months. So far I haven't. Though there are times when the chilly weather really is special. There is nothing quite so lovely as a cardinal streaking across a field of snow on a brilliant sunny day. I saw this years ago and I have never forgotten it. I suppose there is a way to get through winter without getting depressed. Perhaps the secret is to fill your days with activity. To find something that requires you to get outdoors. I am fortunate in that I live close to parks and there are many forms of wildlife there. So many varieties of birds and other animals like deer and beaver and foxes and opossums. There are so many forms of life that one can run into them without fail. A trip outdoors is all that is required. Something to be said for that.

Check in

Just haven't had much opportunity to write lately, kind of a low period. I have not been creating much either. I took two works down to the place where I sell my work, this has been the extent of my output for the last several months. My depression keeps me from really creating as much as I like and it frustrates me. I wonder how a professional artist does it. I do have an idea for a still-life and I have done a couple of small watercolor sketches which are pleasing. I just received the most recent "Artist's " magazine and there was a wonderful article about scratchboard in it. This is something that Iwould love to try and I would like to visit an art supply and see what I can find that relates to it. My community is not a great place to find art supplies. There is a Michael's and an A.C. Moore, but they probably don't carry what I am looking for. I will have to travel outside my community to find what I am looking for.

Wrestling With Old Demons

An old character defect of mine is allowing myself to get too isolated. Spending too much time alone is old comfortable behavior. There is an old proverb that goes : In order to be a friend one must be friendly. I guess that maybe it begins with picking up the 1000 lb. phone and calling someone. There are people online to talk to, but that means I can get out of an intimate conversation and opening up to someone. Something that I like to avoid. I can talk to my better half and we can have a nice conversation, but sometimes it is good to touch base with one of the guys. Are all guys like this? Getting older can be part of the problem. It is easy to just kick back on the couch and watch tv. No commitments to get together, no talking about more than the everyday stuff. When you get older some things just don't seem as important. Sometimes it is just too easy to avoid talking guy stuff.
I just bought a bike and I am anxious about getting on it. I need to get some exercise and I love to ride. My last bike I dislocated my kneecap when I was getting off it. I ended up in the E.R. in a lot of pain. Since then, every time I get on the bike there is a little part of me that remembers that injury. I have been on the bike a lot of times since that injury, but there is still the nagging fear that it will happen again. I think that I just need to warm up a little before getting on the bike. The last injury happened because I hadn't ridden for awhile and I was out of shape. Sort of like now. I guess I need to learn from that last injury.
Depression is something that I know well. More than I care to admit. It is a comfortable old friend that fits me like a glove. Kind of like the isolation I wrote about, except moreso. Depression is where you can't bring yourself to leave the house. Where everyday is just like the day before. Depression is my disability. My depression keeps me from moving ahead with my life. One gets used to staying at home and vegetating. Grocery shopping is the only time one leaves for the most part. Maybe a thirty minute outing to the library to get more books. Reading memoirs is a way to see how others are leading their lives. Tiring routine.

New Ideas

Sometimes it is so very hard to come up with new ideas. Nothing motivates me. At times it can get frustrating. I was reading a book about cartooning and the author made the comment that seventy percent of one's time is spent coming up with ideas. That is a lot of time. I am not a cartoonist but I spend a lot of my time generating ideas for projects. It didn't occur to me that idle-time is productive time with the right frame-of-mind.
Sometimes people say dreams are a source of inspiration. But I'm unsure. I have always felt that dreams might be a source of inspiration with the right motivation and discipline. I have heard that dreams can be significant sources of direction. Yet I have never found myself actually tapping into a dream for any type of guidance. The inventor of the sewing machine had a dream tell him how the design of the needle was to be constructed. Another person had the shape of a molecule come to him in a dream. The Bible is full of examples of people who used dreams as a way of understanding how to proceed. Joseph, the husband of Mary, was directed as to where he was to go when presented with conflicting ideas. I wonder if there might be truth to these stories. Or are they just stories?

Gratitude

Doing a gratitude list on a daily basis to combat depression is a difficult proposition. I have battled depression for the last fifteen years or so and this makes gratitude a demanding pursuit. I heard that some people of the Jewish faith are asked to do a list of 100 things to be grateful for every day. Imagine. Sometimes I can do it. Sometimes it is easier than others. Today I struggled to find 10 or so things that I consider a blessing. Today was my grandson's seventh birthday. I had to drive twenty miles to my daughter's home and the traffic for a Friday afternoon was minimal. There were showers, but they waited 'til I was at my daughter's home. My grandson was well-behaved for the most part and I only said something to correct him one time. He ignored me. I think I must have been the same way when I was seven so it wasn't a big deal. Still, it did irritate me a bit.
Miracles. I have sometimes thought that it is an amazing thing to be here. Life is amazing. I find myself making an effort to thank God for each new day. I am fifty-six years old and it is becoming clear to me that I cannot take anything for granted anymore. I have lost a lot of people to death the last few years and a lot of them were my age. Cancer took a few of them. Others just died for no particular good reason. So being alive is a big deal. It is a miracle. I don't know where I came from and most of the time I am not sure where I am going. I believe in God, but I think that God allows me a lot of free-rein. He doesn't say that you must do this or that to be on my good side. He allows me to get off-course before he does anything. I am diabetic. I gained a lot of weight and had a pretty crappy diet. So I got diabetes. I struggle with the reality that I must eat a certain way and that I must exercise. I don't do it so there will come a time where God is going to rein me in and it will not be in a gentle way. This is my belief system. If I get too far out there, there will be consequences. God is gentle with me and my behavior shows it. Still, like my seven-year-old grandson, I sometimes want to push the envelope.