I am a coward. I do silly little drawings because I am scared to move out of my comfort zone. I avoid art that is beautiful because it reminds me that I will never be that good. It is kind of like the awareness that comes to you when you realize that you will never be great. I wasn't always this way. It has only been the last few years that I realized that I am incapable of creating fine art. I think that this is the primary reason that I left art school. I realized that I was never going to be as good as some of my classmates. It was a painful reality. One that I was unable to come to terms with. So I do silly little drawings. This frustrates me because I see professional artists work and I am filled with self-reproach at not being as good. Envy. One of my biggest character defects. Do other people feel this way? The awareness that comes to you one day when you realize that you will never be Andrew Wyeth or Picasso. I have heard this awareness occurs to you in your thirties. Mine happened later than that. Perhaps I was lucky. I avoided a painful reality a few years later than some. Or perhaps it took me a few more years to grow up.

I took a photo of the buds beginning to open on the lilac bush outside my front door. I used the macro setting but was unable to get a clear image. Many images later I was still not rewarded with a clear image. My goal was to record the opening of the buds and then paint the progression as they unfold. Today I went out and the beginning of the flower is already apparent. I see artists take good reference photos with their cameras and I am envious. Several days ago I found a slide projector at a thrift store and bought it so I could project slides onto my paper and draw. At one time I could go without using mechanical means as a way to plan a drawing but I've lost my patience.

Painting

I bought this travel kit by Winsor & Newton awhile back but I rarely use it. Lately I have tried to simplify my materials so I just pull this out and start to work. I used to hike all the time and a kit like this is invaluable. I hated to see the kit gathering dust so I am using it in the studio. I use a Rapidograph pen in the studio and Micron pens outdoors. I do not like the Microns at all....I am so used to the Rapidographs but they are expensive so I don't take them outdoors anymore.

Spring!

I can hardly believe that Spring is around the corner. It has been a long winter. In February we had the snowiest month on record. Around the house this week I have come into contact with a 'possum, a skunk and a young rabbit. That might not seem unusual, except that I live on a city block and there are houses on every street corner. One would think that wildlife like this would not find these conditions agreeable but they seem to be healthy and active. One day I let my dog out on our back deck, he was out there for awhile so I went to check on him. Curled up inthe corner of the deck was a 'possum acting as if he were dead. I knew that they can play dead so I let him be. Sure enough, the next morning he was gone. I was surprised that he had climbed up the stairs to our second-floor deck looking for something and then curled up in the corner. What he was looking for I have no idea.

I am still figuring out how to use my new camera. I tried the macro feature and took this photo. I was painting the buds that are beginning to turn green on our lilac bush. It is so good to see the green appearing so early. I used Winsor & Newton paints, a #6 sable brush, and Arches paper to do this sketch.