One Day at a Time

I went to the doctor yesterday and found that I have a new health problem to contend with. I had the opportunity a few days ago to look at this Bible  verse and I realized that I had not thought about the importance of the word "consider." And I started considering all the gifts I have been given: I can walk. I have a good mind. I can still drive a car. I can read. I can do this blog. I can see a sunset. I have a wonderful wife, daughter, and grandson. My blessings far outweigh my challenges.
     I am in a lot of pain and my new pain medication has a lot of side effects so I have decided to use an over the counter medicine for discomfort.  The funny thing about writing is that for some reason it puts me in the zone: I  forget about my pain. Art does the same thing. I said this yesterday, and it bears repeating,  "gratitude is a matter of perspective." Twila Paris. For some reason when I change my perspective I am better able to contend with a new emergency . But it can be difficult for me to focus on the positive when I am frightened. Being ill is kind of like losing control of  myself and if I'm not living one day at a time there is always the fear that things will continue to worsen as time goes by. But there is no guarantee of this.  It can just as easily go the other way: Things may continue to improve. The natural tendency is to get scared that there will be an increasing loss of control of my body. Keeping little inspirational quotes all around me reminds me to focus on the positive. This  does not come naturally. Internalizing  these little positive messages is a real challenge when I am  sick. I have to consciously focus on the positive message they hold. This has led to a long period of  attempting to comprehend the idea that I am in control of the way I  react to this illness. . For some it may be natural to go into a fight with all  their weapons at the ready. Some people are good in a crisis. For me it has been  an incredibly long learning curve. I think it takes courage and resourcefulness to face something that has the potential to harm us.  I am the kind that has had to learn to prepare for the battle ahead.  I hope these words will inspire someone else out there who is battling illness  to pick up the sword and shield and go forward into another day of battle. I once heard it said that  courage is fear that has said its prayers. In the words of Sir Winston Churchill:  "Success is never found. Failure is never fatal. Courage is the only thing."
  One day at a time... Have a great day and may God be with you. Dale

 (If you click on the drawing it will appear approximately life-sized.)

Do Not Be Anxious About Tomorrow...

I have had a pain in my side for a week now. I think it is being caused by a new medication I am taking. I have been procrastinating about getting off this medication because it caused my weight to drop by almost fifty lbs. And now my doctor can no longer find evidence that I still have diabetes. So she says it is being controlled by diet.
  The side effects of this medication are awful. I break out all over in itchy red patches. My side has welts all over it. I hurt like the devil. I did this painting a few days ago and I really am pleased with it. It was a sign on my desk that I had made, then I painted and framed it.    Sometimes it is so hard to believe that everything is going to work out okay. I have to be constantly reminded to stay in today, beause today is really all I have.Right now I am in my studio and the temperature is cool and I am listening to music. My little Bible quote is staring back at me: Do not be anxious about tomorrow.  Yet I have to go to the doctor in the morning and I am frightened...  At this moment all my needs are provided for. I am okay. The sun is out. My wife is sleeping peacefully and I am doing one of my favorite things, I am writing. I did a painting today that is one of my favorites. I  also matted and framed  an old work that looks great. Twila Paris said that," gratitude may be a matter of perspective." Sometime I just have to look at all the things I do have. And forget about the troubles tomorrow that may never materialize. Josh Billings said that,  "adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on a fighter: it reduces him to his fighting weight." Even though I am in a lot pain today, I have all the abilities I need to address it. I have the ability to change my perspective....

(If you click on the picture it will appear almost full-size.)
 Have a great day and may God be with you.  Dale

Counting our Blessings.

When you have been a negative spirit all your life it is hard to change. Looking at this little five by seven inch saying on my desk reminds to look for the silver lining. Look for the positive, there must be something that is worth being thankful for. There is always something to be grateful for. It is difficult to change old habits. There is always the tendency to see the worst in every situation. But by looking at this little painting   every day I am reminded  to question the things I am complaining about.  William Saroyan said," be thankful for yourself... be thankful." It is a gift to be here. Sometimes I forget this. Nick Vujicic said that, "I promise you for every disability you have, you are blessed with more than enough "abilities" to overcome your challenges." Nick would know, he was born without arms and legs. He is an inspirational speaker who goes around letting others know that it is important to count your blessings, because you have many... Dale

The Remedy Against Bad Times...

A painting I did a while back to get through some rough times. I keep it on my drafting table where I can see it. My doctor had me on a medication that really made my life miserable. But I was compliant and I figured it was helping. I gained fifty lbs. on it. I acquired diabetes. I painted pictures like this one to inspire me to stick with my doctor's plan. The medication's cost was over a thousand dollars for thirty tablets. I  was relieved when I could no longer afford the pills and I switched to something far cheaper. I lost fifty lbs. My diabetes is now controlled by diet. My physician wonders if I ever had diabetes.   My numbers are in the normal range. Painting has always kept me focused on the goal to improve my situation, no matter how bad it gets. Sometimes I struggle when it seems that nothing is getting better. Yet by painting I take each day and focus on my long term goal of trusting that things will turn out okay... No matter how difficult it is at the moment...

Using the Gift

It was suggested to me that I memorize this passage. So I decided to create a piece of art that would help me. The idea that we are being asked to improve our minds as part of loving God was a novel idea. We are to love God with all our heart, all soul and all our mind. We are to love the idea that He created us and to express it.   Being human is a gift. Yet personally I never give it a thought. . Having belief in God is a unique ability that not everyone has access to. Yet how often do I think about this gift and thank Him for it? To love God is to accept His gifts and talents to us and to utilize them. To thank Him for our good fortune and to accept them with gratitude.  If I love God and cherish the mind that He gave me am I willing to improve it and to think about some of the dumb things I say and do without questioning myself? To love Him with all my heart and soul and to always be grateful for this wonderful gift of a life and a spirit and a mind... Awesome.
     All of us have talents. Yet how often do we take them for granted? I seem to have a talent for numbers, yet my faith in myself never allowed me to utilize this gift. I thought I was too dumb to get things like algebra, calculus, and other elements of higher mathematics. Is it possible to push myself to excel and to use the talents God bestowed upon me?

My Stuff/ A Psalm

I finished a piece of art a day or so ago but I am not happy with it so I decided to take a photograph of colored pencils instead. . One of my favorite things are photos of  art materials. I think it is the color. And I think that it is the idea that all my life I wanted to have the materials necessary to create a work of art and I just like looking at the potential for art....A thunderstorm just blew in so I want to get off of the computer. My dog is beside me and he likes thunderstorms as much as I do.
      The thunderstorm passed. Lightning struck right outside my living room window. My dog and I had a near heart attack at the close proximity of the strike to us. He has become much better at dealing with these storms, while I seem to have grown more anxious as time has gone by.
    Here's an old painting of mine. A Psalm. It is one of my favorite works. This painting has  really made me happy, it just seems to express my feelings about the idea of faith.  I am  always hoping that everything is going to turn out okay, and it does work out, but I worry just the same. Sometimes it seems that we have made decisions in the past that have the potential to be disastrous, yet everything turns out okay in spite of our actions.. . Sometimes I think that I have a guardian angel that I drive crazy with my constant railing at God...  Doesn't it make you wonder how God could love us so much?  We have made so many dumb mistakes and He just forgives us. In spite of our stupidity and arrogance. In spite of the fact that we sometimes seem to just ask for disaster to strike.

Relieving Tension.

I found this little character at a thrift shop today and he found his way onto my drafting table. He is great. I found a piece of pottery as well, I love pottery. The pot is on the far left and it is a good place to throw my tiniest colored pencils. There is something very pleasurable about taking photos of my "stuff." Someone had suggested that I make a sand tray, a technique used to relieve anxiety. The figurine was purchased to use as part of the sand tray experiment. Ever since I ended up on disability anxiety has been a big problem. It creates a lot of tension and my art is one way of combatting it. My partner got very ill in April and it triggered my PTSD. Suddenly I found myself reliving trauma associated with old injuries and I found myself trying to keep my head above water.The sand tray was one technique that was suggested.  Basically, it consists of a rectangular tray filled with white sand. I am going to use a 9x13 inch baking tray. Figurines and other objects are used to work out various conflicts by acting them out in the tray  as I understand it.   I am very fortunate to have a good imagination. But it hasn't always been that way. My head injury right after it happened kept me from doing a lot of things. I read a lot of books on combatting head trauma but I could remember very little of what I read. I tried a support group of head trauma survivors but could not make the adjustment to the group setting. Art was the one thing I could do. I was fortunate in that when I experienced trauma as a child I had an aunt who used art as a way to get me to relax. Her help made art a fixture in my life when I was stressed. I was hit by a car when I was twelve. I stayed with her while I recuperated and her influence  helped me to deal with my injuries. She died of cancer when I was around fourteen and it wasn't until I was eighteen that I started using my art skills as a way to deal with the loss... If anyone knows where one finds white sand I'd appreciate a comment. My partner says that it can be found in nurseries. Any other comments or suggestions are welcome... Thanks. Dale

Art & Expression

A very old picture of mine that still moves me. It was done in the early stages of a relationship that is now fairly solid. This painting was taken  from the chapter on love from the book of Corinthians. Having spent a few years alone because of immaturity, when I found myself in this new relationship I wanted to express my deepest feelings. When I was a kid I would fall in love and use other's art as a way to express myself. I had no original ideas.  For a long time I painted no original art because I had nothing to say. Georgia O' Keefe said that," I can't live where I want to. I cant even say what I want to! I decided I was a very stupid fool not to at least to paint as I wanted to." It took me a very long time to paint as I wanted to. I had to live alone for five years without a relationship to realize that I had something to say. Perhaps I couldn't say what I wanted to, because there was no one to say it to, and at the time I could not live where I wanted to for various reasons, but I could at least paint as I wanted to.   Perhaps falling back on the Bible is not an original idea, but I was in good company. William Blake used the Bible for inspiration, Rembrandt used it, as did Raphael. Each said something unique using words and images that had stirred people's hearts for thousands of years....

Missing the Mark

This is an odd painting. Entirely too much caffeine was used in the process of doing it. When it was being done it seemed that it was turning out okay. But when it was finished, it was clear that I had missed the mark. I use transparent watercolor but there are sections of the painting that are painted opaquely. It just does not work. It is supposed to represent the sun coming up from behind the hills. But the hills should be brightly illuminated and they are not. They are muddy. I have an idea in my head, but I just don't have the skill to carry it out.  Too bad I am not someone like the late Thomas Kincaide was. He knew exactly how to represent light shining brightly. He was a genius... 

Rejoice in the Day

This is a very old drawing but the watercolor treatment is new. I found this work as I was going through an old portfolio and decided to salvage it. I was told that the colors looked like a poster from the seventies. The idea was based on a framed drawing I once had. The idea of each day being a new celebration of life is tough for me. Sometimes I wonder why I like this Psalm so much because generally speaking, being positive does not come easy. And this Psalm is certainly positive. Every day is new and we are to be glad for it. Imagine celebrating every day. Thanking God for giving us a new day of life. No matter how crummy I feel I try to  thank God for a new day of life.  That is when I think to talk to Him. Sometimes just rushing headlong into the day keeps me from thanking Him. It is tough to talk to whatever power we think made us when there is so much to do. It took me years of drawing variations of this picture before I suddenly realized that it was a gift to be alive. For a long time I didn't feel that way... And I still feel that way at times, especially when I allow resentments to build up.  

New Work

I did this little drawing last Sunday. It is five by seven inches. It is a watercolor and pen and ink drawing. I cut the mat for it and assembled the frame. Sometimes I cut the glass. This time a friend who is a picture framer gave me a good deal on five by seven glass. Many years ago I worked for her and she taught me to cut mats, cut glass, assemble frames and do T-hinges. Everything I needed to assemble my own artwork. She supplied the matboard for this picture, it is Ph neutral.. My paints are Winsor & Newton watercolors. My watercolor paper is Arches. The tape I use to make my T-hinges is Ph neutral. The picture, God willing, will last a lifetime. I use a Rapidograph pen by Koh-I-Noor. It is a #0.  Recently someone suggested that I donate my work to various organizations to allow them to use them as they see fit. I used to sell my work for a short period but the shop went out of business.

New Life

This painting has been sitting on my easel for a couple of years. It is mixed-media, consisting of colored tissue paper and acrylic paint. My work is considered expressionistic, my subjective response to a flower in this particular case.
     I worked on the painting yesterday after having a particularly bad day. I turned on my ipod and set to work.During the day I was ashamed of myself for some behavior that I found unacceptable. As the second child in a family of ten children and the firstborn son, I tend to be very hard on myself. It is a cultural thing I suppose.  I struggle with depression because I can never live up to my unreasonable expectations of myself. I'm a perfectionist and I don't allow myself a lot of leeway for mistakes. The day before yesterday was just one of those days where I had a lot of internal dialogue about what a screw-up I was... By the time I was finished I had convinced myself that there was no way out. I had screwed up too badly. I was really depressed. I was convinced there was no hope for me. I won't share what I did. Each of us has our own particular way of hurting ourselves. Some of us drink. (I used to do this.) Some smoke. (I used to do this.) If you are a guy there is a tendency to punch objects. I used to this until I once hit a wall and there was a stud behind it. I used to overeat. Ad nauseum. Suffice it to say my particular way of addressing my disappointment in myself was particularly stupid. After I vented my spleen I took my dog for a walk. I worked on my painting and talked to my wife for an hour. I worked on my journal and made matters worse for a little while. There is a quote that goes: Nothing interferes with creativity and good judgement more than bearing grudges. I was angry at some people who I felt had wronged me. I was angry at someone who told me that my behavior was bad and not the other persons. As someone who doesn't allow himself mistakes, this was particularly hard to swallow.
     The painting is called New Life. It is about starting over after really screwing up. It might be finished, I'm not sure. I have always blamed my past for the fact that my life is currently screwed up. It was my parents fault. That doesn't fly so well when both your parents have been gone for some time and you are getting pretty long in the tooth. In other words, I've been around long enough to know better. I have no one to blame but myself for my failures.
   Life is a learning experience. The next day I was really relieved that I did not do something irreversible. I did not drink. I did not smoke. I did not take my disappointment out on my wife. I went for a walk. I prayed and asked for help with the squirrelly behavior. I worked on this absolutely horrible painting. And then I went to bed. And the next day my attitude was entirely different. Someone very wise once said, stop beating yourself up. We are all living under grace and we all do the best we can. Sometimes it is so hard to remember this....  Dale

Using Art For Healing Trauma

Just an experiment. For some reason I couldn't find my picture files. Eventually they were located. I have found that if I don't write down every step of the posting a picture process, I will lose the steps and then have many frustrating moments trying to put them back together. It is difficult to say if this is part of growing old or my head injury. I have a sign on my desktop that says: Remember, never give up hope! Recovery is possible!
     Is it really possible to recover from head trauma? How much can you repair and how much is lost forever? A friend who has known me a very long time said that I changed after the injury. My thoughts were not the same. I became more separate from my mind. There was a gulf there that could not be bridged. 
Head trauma is frightening. There is the fear that more and more of ones's identity will be lost. Medications help and hinder. Depression is a constant companion. Anger pushes people away. It is frustrating trying to communicate what one is feeling when feelings are a novelty. What might have been a very intimate acquaintance with ones's feelings may suddenly feel like they are someone else's. I spent years in recovery trying to make sense of my emotions. Rage was a constant companion. Eventually this abated. But it pushed people away and alienated them in the meantime. How do you tell the people you love that the irrational behavior you just engaged in was just a response to your brain injury? How do you believe it yourself? And what do you tell yourself when it feels like you are going insane?

      Art is meditation. And it helps you calm down. It centers you when you feel as if you have no center. Art is going to another place inside you. Current theory says that art uses a section of the brain that is not as often accessed. When I suffered my head injury I discovered that I was much more creative as time went on. Not at first. Too much harm had been done. But the brain is amazing, it rebuilds itself through what some consider play. Colors, shapes, lines, strange words that pop out of nowhere and you have no memory of ever have used before.It is like taking a journey to a place that you've never been to before...

All the Things We Achieve Are Things We Have First Of All Imagined.

I found this in my files and it shouldn't be there. Someone wise told me you shouldn't use the words "should" and "shouldn't." There is a recovery saying that goes: Never should on yourself. All my life I wanted to be an artist. I am able to do a little. I have a very small amount of talent. It is an amazing thing when you get the chance to experience a lifelong dream. Art school was an experience that taught me I could do most anything I set my mind to. Lately I have been creating a lot. I hope to post a few pieces in the next couple of days. Art has always helped me to do the things I "shouldn't" have been able to do. I was a high school dropout. I left at the beginning of the tenth grade because of ongoing issues at home that I was too immature to resolve. Eventually I was able to get my equivalency diploma. I went to college and met a wonderful teacher who encouraged me to follow my  heart and go to art school. I did not graduate. I have always had health problems. And my health suffered with the stress of school. I eventually want back to college and graduated. I learned that with my art training I was a much better student, much more rounded. All the things I learned in art school helped me with my coursework. For a long time I felt like a failure because I did not finish my art education. I came to realize that art is only one thing I do and I'm capable of doing many things.

Moving Forward

I look at this birdbath every day as I walk my dog. I have been wanting to make a painting of it but most of the time I just keep my journal. It seems as if there is not much time for painting anymore.  I worked on an old painting yesterday after someone asked to see some of my work. I liked the drawing but I was not happy with the watercolor treatment. So I repainted it. I like it, but I am unsure as to whether others will see the same thing. A lot of my work is religious, and the painting that I reworked was Psalm 118:24 : Rejoice in the day and be glad in it, for this is the day God has made.  Not everyone believes as I do. I try my  best to try not to offend others with my beliefs. I remember some of the letters that the cartoonist Charles Schulz received. Some people were really upset with his cartoons that used the Bible as subject matter. It was quite a lesson to see that not everyone sees the Bible as a humorous subject. I read a joke the other day from a book of illustrations and basically it said the Bible is one of the very few books without a joke in it. I guess I had never really thought about it. 
     This photo is not especially good but that is the wonderful thing about painting, it removes all the flaws. I ordered an old Photoshop Elements 6 program and a couple of books on how to operate it. My computer is very old, my camera very cheap. I am not sure if this will work. I want to use some of my photos for paintings. We will see how things progress.
     In another life I would have been an art teacher. Terry Miller, the graphite artist,  has a blog named Pencil Shavings and he is always teaching. Stephen Quiller is one of my favorite artists and he is a great teacher as well. The bird bath photo is symmetrical I think, although I photographed the birdbath to the right  of center Symmetry refers to the idea that things are evenly balanced in a picture. Assymetry is a device in a paintings composition that allows for a more pleasing picture. The two sides are not evenly balanced and therefore create a more pleasing picture.
      .Shades of green are primarily the dominant colors in the photo so it would be a painting with an analogous color scheme. Analogous refers to the fact that three colors are adjacent to one another on the color wheel. Green, yellow green and blue green would be analogous colors. If you understand a little bit about color complements, it means that if you mixed the complement of green you would end up with a grey. The complement of green is red. So mixing green and red together you get grey. This would serve as the color of the birdbath. A complementary color arrangement refers to the fact that two colors are opposite one another on a color wheel. Examples are red-green, yellow-purple and blue-orange. These colors complement one another when they are used in a color scheme. When mixed together a neutral is created like grey.  I hope that others find art as interesting as I do. It has always been a source of pleasure.  I hope that this is not boring; Of my  favorite classes in art school, color theory was by far my favorite. Dale