New Life

This painting has been sitting on my easel for a couple of years. It is mixed-media, consisting of colored tissue paper and acrylic paint. My work is considered expressionistic, my subjective response to a flower in this particular case.
     I worked on the painting yesterday after having a particularly bad day. I turned on my ipod and set to work.During the day I was ashamed of myself for some behavior that I found unacceptable. As the second child in a family of ten children and the firstborn son, I tend to be very hard on myself. It is a cultural thing I suppose.  I struggle with depression because I can never live up to my unreasonable expectations of myself. I'm a perfectionist and I don't allow myself a lot of leeway for mistakes. The day before yesterday was just one of those days where I had a lot of internal dialogue about what a screw-up I was... By the time I was finished I had convinced myself that there was no way out. I had screwed up too badly. I was really depressed. I was convinced there was no hope for me. I won't share what I did. Each of us has our own particular way of hurting ourselves. Some of us drink. (I used to do this.) Some smoke. (I used to do this.) If you are a guy there is a tendency to punch objects. I used to this until I once hit a wall and there was a stud behind it. I used to overeat. Ad nauseum. Suffice it to say my particular way of addressing my disappointment in myself was particularly stupid. After I vented my spleen I took my dog for a walk. I worked on my painting and talked to my wife for an hour. I worked on my journal and made matters worse for a little while. There is a quote that goes: Nothing interferes with creativity and good judgement more than bearing grudges. I was angry at some people who I felt had wronged me. I was angry at someone who told me that my behavior was bad and not the other persons. As someone who doesn't allow himself mistakes, this was particularly hard to swallow.
     The painting is called New Life. It is about starting over after really screwing up. It might be finished, I'm not sure. I have always blamed my past for the fact that my life is currently screwed up. It was my parents fault. That doesn't fly so well when both your parents have been gone for some time and you are getting pretty long in the tooth. In other words, I've been around long enough to know better. I have no one to blame but myself for my failures.
   Life is a learning experience. The next day I was really relieved that I did not do something irreversible. I did not drink. I did not smoke. I did not take my disappointment out on my wife. I went for a walk. I prayed and asked for help with the squirrelly behavior. I worked on this absolutely horrible painting. And then I went to bed. And the next day my attitude was entirely different. Someone very wise once said, stop beating yourself up. We are all living under grace and we all do the best we can. Sometimes it is so hard to remember this....  Dale