Getting Through to the Other Side

I have been blocked for a few days and I am not sure how to break through it. A lot of time I don't think of art as the means to breaking through a problem. Art is art, nothing more. But on some level I think that art is more than art. There are a lot of books out there that will tell you art solves problems. At one time this was why it was taught in schools. One of my favorite books is "The Artist's Way." I learned that I could develop the discipline to finish things from the book. That if If I wanted to develop creativity in my life, I could do it. That is a lot of power. I did not have to give in to the idea that art was just not a thing one could use as a way to develop ideas. I found a quote by William Blake today: "Degrade first the arts, if you'd Mankind degrade." If you want to see a civilization decay, take away its art.
Art has been my savior, my salvation. Not God, but something more like a mother. It taught me that I could finish things. I could see a thing through to completion. My parents had ten children. That meant alone time with them could be a very difficult thing. So I started to create as a way to escape loneliness. My teachers saw my early attempts at art and responded positively. To me that was power. A way that I could get some much-needed attention.... I never thought of it as manipulation, but maybe that is what it was. A way to gain notice.
Lately I have been thinking so much about my teachers. They were a lifeline to sanity. They taught me so much. I never thought that I would realize how important education was, and an art education in particular. Today I know that my education saved my life. I was a dropout. But someone who educated me when I was young would not let me accept that. Someone took the time to see that I was educated. I was a difficult student. For one, I was left-handed. My Dad was an alcoholic and a dropout as well. So was my mom. She dropped out. To the best of my knowledge never stuck it into my head to get an education. But somehow my experiences with my teachers must have left a mark. A sixth grade teacher told the class about a former student who had hung himself in prison. It never occurred to me that she was making a point: Don't waste your time while you are here. Something like 70 % of prison inmates don't have a high school degree. In our town 50% of the students end up dropping out. I hear these statistics and I think, that is insane.
I guess there is a point: Thank you all my teachers for never giving up on me. I could have never learned to read and write. Somewhere some one cared enough to see that this didn't happen. Maybe I might have hung myself if I stayed on the path to illiteracy. Instead I got my high school equivalency diploma and then went to college. Thank God...

Tao Te Ching by Lao Tsu

I have been reading this book after finding one of a similar nature at a used book store. One thing I have been doing for a while is chasing a dream. A dream of art, finding a place for it in my life. I draw and paint and spend a lot of downtime thinking about doing something with it. I have been doing this for almost thirty years to little avail. The Tao says that desire leads us down a painful path. By focusing on something and desiring success we set ourselves up for a lot of heartache. And I can attest to this. It can be a very frustrating and painful road. Not always, I love to paint and draw, but when I try to make more of this, it becomes a recipe for painful unmet expectations. I chase after a dream that has for a long time just has not come true. Why does it seem as if some people are able to make their dreams come true while others just can't seem to make it happen? I wish that I could just accept disability as part of my reality and live with it. There seems to be a thing that is ingrained in each one of us to be a productive individual. I think that it is hardwired into us. When we don't have this productivity it becomes a recipe for depression. Something that can be hard to live with.
When we stop chasing dreams we can breathe a little sigh of relief and open ourselves up to positive emotions. I guess it is kind of like the man who spends his entire life chasing after success and never lets up. A type A personality. That is me. And I have hypertension and heart problems to show for it. It never occurred to me 'til now that I might be bringing this on myself. I didn't realize 'til just this moment that the Tao might be right. Sometimes our dreams can make us sick. And letting go of them might be the road to recovery.

Balance

A lot of time I spend trying to get my head to do things that were once easy. It is another part of my disabilty. It occurred as a result of a head injury. Depression is a big aspect of the injury. What can I do and what can't Ido? Gratitude for each new day is essential. Be grateful you are alive. Be grateful that you have survived another day. The first few years of my disability I almost didn't make it. I wanted out. I did not want this new life, I wanted my old one back. I had a life that was full, but also very busy. Iworked hard and I don't think I had my priorities straight. The injury changed all that. Today there is a lot more time on my hands and sometimes it is hard to be grateful for what I have. Drawing is one way I work on this. I draw a lot. Sometimes my work is what keeps me sane. I love to draw and paint. I had a little art education and it survived the injury.

Thank God...

Trusting the Process

A lot of time is spent in trying to decide what is attainable and what is beyond my grasp. I have been on disability for fifteen years ans sometimes it is impossible to remember what life was like before disability. What can I do? And how do I know if I am being honest with myself? Sometimes there is a tendency to over-intellectualize things. Depression is one of the primary aspect of my disability. It requires the most energy to overcome. It tells me everything is impossible. Why bother trying, you are only going to fail. Spirituality has helped. There is a lot of time spent in getting an attitude of gratitude. So what if I can't do everything I once did. I can still make little contributions to the world around me. I can still create. I can still make art, I am not dead. It takes a lot of time trusting God will get me through the dark times where I am constantly questioning what my limits are. Yes, I am not totally disabled. I can still do many things. So what can I do, and how do I know what is beyond me? I have to trust that God will show me the way, that He will gradually show me my path.

Chagall's World

Chagall was an orange tabby that passed away about two years ago. He passed away because one of his male catmates injured him and I got him to the vet too late to save him. I miss him. Why did I name this blog after Chagall? Marc Chagall was an artist that I admire. I believe he was Russian but spent time in Paris. His style was only that of Marc Chagall's. If he was influenced by others he did not let this keep him from being an artist of uncorrupted vision. He liked angels. He liked to depict a spiritual world. He designed stained glass windows. He was one of a kind. And my cat Chagall was one of a kind. His eyes were a unique color. He too must be an angel. At least I'd like to think so.