Experiencing a Grace

A long day. I spent the last twelve years on a powerful medication that robbed me of a life. I was taken off of it in January because I could no longer find the resources to pay for the thirty tablets that cost one thousand dollars a month. Now I am sick. The stress of not having the medication kicked my immune system's butt. Stress. I have to figure out how to deal with it. I have shingles and they are the most painful thing I have ever experienced. They last five weeks and there can be plenty of complications. The pain can last for years ... I can go blind... I can have a stroke... I am working very hard to keep a positive attitude. I am  trying to visualize my body healing itself. The shingles running their course with no long-term complications.

     Someone today gave  me a Rumi poem and it is about how we were once destructive and through God's grace we have been turned into something beautiful. The shingles have the potential to change me into a better person. They are so painful. I have never experienced pain like this... And when your my age the chances are that you have been through some stuff. Actually, there have been a few times that have been very painful but not long-term like this...
     I have a kid inside me. The fish bookends are just one example of the things I like: bright colors and whimsical images. That is what I mean about the shingles taking me to a better place. My creativity will soar. When you are ill it is hard to create. I have always painted. Yet it is so much easier to focus on God's gift when you are feeling well. God willing, my creativity will reach new heights. This is a potentially frightening thing: perhaps the pain won't end after five weeks. Right now my back hurts so bad. Perhaps I will experience the long-term pain that is sometimes associated with the illness. Perhaps I will go blind...
    I choose to believe that things will get better. As an old saying goes: God hasn't brought me this far to drop me off. Grace is a free gift that God gives us. A protection.  A merciful reprieve from something that has the potential to destroy us. This would not be the first time I experienced a grace. I once spent a long time alone after the ending of a relationship. This period lasted five years. At the end of five years I found someone who has been with me twelve years. God gave me five years alone to prepare me for the most difficult and satisfying relationship I have ever had. At the time I hated being alone, but at the end of five years I made a wonderful friend. He was such a good friend that he was able to find somone else. That friend was me.