Hope Deferred

I saw this verse on another blog and appreciated the message. Thinking about Christmas led me to draw the tree with the star. I was thinking about my daughter who I did not get to see over the holidays, and feeling that this brings a little pain like a hope deferred.

Happy Holidays

Christmas is over already, I had a laugh with someone a few days ago when we expressed our viewpoints regarding the holiday. We both said "I'm glad it is almost over." Apparently no matter how old you get if early Christmas' were bad, that feeling hangs around as you age. Maybe not for everyone, but for me, it is a time of stress and turmoil. Not always, but often enough to wish for a quick holiday season. Maybe everyone feels this way to a degree.
I quit drinking almost twenty-five years ago. New years eve will be my anniversary. Something about this period makes me a little jittery every year. I grew up in a home where alcohol was a frightening thing. It meant that there was trouble ahead. My Dad was an alcoholic.
And so was I . I started drinking as a teenager. Today I had a memory of getting drunk and being hungover and my Dad giving me a raw egg with milk. I was in my early teens at the time. I am not sure why I remember this. I know that I remember the memory as being a good one. Why, I really can't say. Why would someone remember being hungover as a positive event? Alcohol is funny like that. A hangover can be completely forgotten as one goes back to have another drink.
I'm not sure what I was thinking about as I was remembering Christmas and my alcohol experiences. Once I was given a toy gun for Christmas that shot little projectiles. It was called a " monkey gun" and I was really happy that I got it. My Dad and a friend of his took the gun and started shooting all the ornaments off the Christmas tree. My Mom started crying. That is all I remember about that Christmas. Flash-forward a few years to my first Christmas with my family visiting for the holidays. My sister's boyfriend got drunk and fell over and knocked the Christmas tree over. I never had my family over for another holiday get-together. Anyway, what is my point? There must be one. I heard another person say that they were going to enjoy the holiday spirits. And it made me cringe. I know that this is all pretty disjointed. I am sitting here wondering about where this is going. Maybe just being grateful for an alcohol-free Christmas. I hope that someone will not have to live through holidays that make them cry because someone is drinking too much. That would be my Christmas wish for everyone. Happy Holidays. Have a safe, joyful holiday season.

Getting it Right

I wonder sometimes what my strengths are. What is it I do well? The reason I ask this is I have so little going on in my life with my disability. Illness is my job. Disability is my life. I don't like this reality but there it is, my life is about illness. I have been disabled for fifteen years. I have diabetes, asthma, depression and heart disease. Sometimes I wonder if there is hope that I can get my health back in some kind of working order. The heart disease is a recent thing. It probably scares me the most. I know that diabetes and heart disease are not a good combination. I worry about dying a lot. Anyway, what strengths do I bring into this warfare? What am I good at? What do I have inside me that can take on chronic illness? Twenty-four years ago I quit drinking. About the same time I quit smoking. My father was an alcoholic and I was walking the same path. So I quit. I had asthma so I quit smoking. So far I have not had a strong desire to take up these substances. So I know that in me there is the desire to succeed.
I like words. Always have. I like to write. If you ever get into recovery from an addiction of some sort there is a lot of writing involved. At least there was for me. It seems in order to take a good look at your life there has to be a lot of reflection. What brought me to this point? How did my life get so out of control? Writing about yourself is a good way to be introspective. Writing helps you to see yourself in a positive light after lots of internal sizing yourself up.
Getting it right. How do I learn from the past? How do I learn from my old addictions? How do I get healthy from a few chronic illnesses that want to kill me like alcohol and tobacco once did? How do I develop the willingness to fight back and get healthy again?

Priorities

I saw a comic in the "New Yorker" today. The picture showed a young man on the couch spread out with debris all around him. His clearly frustrated father was looking at him and saying, "you really have to get your priorities in order." I did not quite get the comic and thought about getting my own priorities in order. My daughter had called last night and t0ld me that her car was demolished after veering off the road and flipping over. I had today to think about how little I pay attention to her life until a major issue arises. I think that I need to quit doing things that push us apart, and instead, focus on the things that can bring us closer. She was okay after the crash but only to the degree that you can be okay from walking away from a serious crash unharmed. There are the images that continue to haunt you in dreams and the body aches that tell you something major has occurred and the body is not quite right. Trauma.

Fifteen years ago I was the victim of a random act of violence. I suffered for years after the event and still do in some respects. I never really got over it. Certain things influence my moods. Just hearing about my daughter's accident made me so grateful that she came out of it relatively unscathed. But there are still the things that you don't walk away from. The thought that it may happen again. Life is unpredictable. My event left me feeling that God had somehow left me down, Where was He? And would He allow this to happen again? Questions that have no answer. Life is unpredictable. My little drawing reminds me that I must plot a new course and focus on moving on as best as one can.

I am getting better at inserting images into my blog. This one only took a few minutes. I did this image as a bookmark. I use up the scraps of watercolor paper since the costs are so crazy for a sheet of 22 by 30 Arches watercolor paper. Besides, it is just fun to do a picture for the heck of it...

Finding Inspiration

The last few days have been about finding inspiration for a work. Sometimes it is so difficult to find ideas when you have an internal voice saying that your work is not valid and therefore it will do no good to search for new material. Van Gogh said that if someone has doubts about their validity as an artist, the solution is to start a painting. That seems like good advice. I did a still life of shells, starfish and driftwood, rendered in pencil. It was a success, but there is nothing around the studio for another work.
I picked up an "American Artist" publication about artists studios. A great magazine. I think thar one reason that I started drawing was the joy I got from viewing other artists spaces and the materials they use. When I was a kid I remember going to an art-supply store and seeing pastels for the first time. I was amazed at the color of each pastel stick. The color red especially spoke to me. I wanted to see how these worked, I had no idea how artists created their work, and it would be a long time before I used pastels.
I have a hard time continuing this blog. As far as I know no one even visits it, so why bother? What is my motivation for continuing? I had to go out yesterday to visit a support group of others who share my disability. I went there, but could not get out of the car. Part of my reluctance about creating is that I create in isolation. And it is easy to get lost in the idea that none of this matters. No one cares if I create or not. Why bother? Isolation can create feelings of alienation and depression that are hard to contest when alone. All that one can do to escape feelings is to get outside. The dog needs to go out, so I will sign off. Until later.
All that one can d

Countdown

I noticed that another artist did self-portraits every day on her blog. What a great idea. I can't imagine doing this, there is just not that much discipline in me. I probably do one work a week. These are five by seven inches and eight by ten inches. I do more work in the winter and fall. Spring is my favorite season and I started a ritual that makes winter go a little more quickly. I do a countdown, counting down the days 'til Spring. Today there is one hundred and twenty-three days left 'til the first day of Spring. To me once I am below a hundred days things begin to look a little more optimistic. Perhaps it is a strange ritual, but it gives me hope.

Creativity for Life

There has been little creativity at home the last couple of weeks and no new works are in progress. What do "ordinary people" do to get the creative juices flowing? I did a bunch of bookmarks to just keep busy and this was fun. These are just little inspirational sayings of watercolor and pen and ink. I did about 10-12 of them and though I don't consider them art per se they do make me feel as if the creative juices are flowing.

My image of the sun is how I draw depression. The proverb reminds me that though my depression seems as if it is going to go on forever, it has an end. I may not see it, but it is there. There is a famous line that goes: This too shall pass. Right now this feels like a platitude, nevertheless, it is true.

New work

Just finished a four by six inch little drawing about patience. One of the things that often bothers me is my work ethic. I finish a small drawing about every three weeks. I work small so that I am guaranteed to complete a work. Even my ability to complete a work does not free me from a lot of regret. I think that there should be more work. It should be more practiced, more exceptional. One of the things that I deal with as someone who is disabled is a lot of self-recrimination. There is a lot of time spent feeling sorry for myself. If I were Jules Feiffer I could write a cartoon on the subject. I am pretty hard on myself. I don't know why I spend so much time feeling sorry for myself. I guess that for someone with a major disability that is about depression this is just the way things are. But it is not pleasant just the same. Today is a beautiful day. Focus on that. Focus on the fact that God chose to wake me up this morning. Thank God for the air in my lungs. The text of my completed drawing is: The remedy against bad times is to be patient with them. An Arab proverb. Focus on that. I have learned that if I can just focus on gratitude I can make it through the day.

Defining and Accepting Limits

As someone who struggles with disability there is always the question as to how much I can accomplish, and to be honest about it. It is easy to say I can't do that. How much can I do is always on my mind. I have diabetes, asthma, depression and heart disease. I have begun to hear myself more and more often say this litany of everything that's wrong with me. But is that all I am? What aggravates me is the idea that the disabled are sometimes seen as dysfunctional and are not as talented as others. Sometimes not being talented is a matter of aptitude rather than disability. What is talent and what is disability? My disability started as a result of a head injury. Was I more talented before the injury? I wonder about this. Friends who knew me before the event said that I did change. But did my capacity for art change? I went to art school for a little while before the injury and my confidence was at its peak. I had the ability to do imitations of other's work , but I lacked the ability to do my own work. Today I create original art. So, even in the midst of illness, progress has been made.

Just Do It

Something that amazes me is how productive professional artists are. There is one artist I admire who puts out a completed work every two to three days it seems.He works in graphite, small studies of animals mostly. I completed a similar-sized work, 8x10 inches, in a month. I kept giving up due to anxiety, mostly from the concern that I didn't have the technical skills necessary to complete it. It turned out fine in the end, just some errors in accuracy. Other artists have said that the hardest thing to do is to begin. Draftsmanship issues can be worked out over time. Since the completion of my graphite work a number of months ago, I have not tried another. The difference between an amateur and professional seems to be that the professional realizes that the work must be done, and there are no excuses for not completing it.

New Work

I found this quote in an old collection of inspirational literature. It really spoke to me because I feel that what I do is connect with God when I paint. I kind of feel that my work is spiritual in nature. Sometimes when I find something that really strikes a chord in me it can bring me to tears.

Developing a Tough Skin.

Spent the morning shopping for groceries yesterday.Today I spent the morning and afternoon working on a piece that is a quote: Works of beauty are manifestations of God. -John Sherrill. I found the quote in a "Guideposts"book from 1995. The last few days I have been creative again and it feels so good. Tomorrow I will watercolor the work and then mat it. I found two pieces of glass for works that need to be framed.I use recycled glass whenever possible. It keeps the cost of paintings low. There are all sorts of places to find cheap glass. Don't be afraid to check around. I have found picture framing wire for a steal as well.
I titled today's entry,developing a tough skin, because it is sometimes important to not allow things to get the best of you. Art is a pain in the butt sometimes. I sometimes want to just give up, but I have been doing this for may years, so I don't.

New Work

Recently there has been a lot of creativity in my studio but everything falls apart. Simple things like not measuring the window correctly for a mat. Trying to find a composition that works is frustrating, there are no clear directions in which to go. I will have an idea and then realize that it isn't going to work. I did a quote that I found in an inspirational book but it was scooped up by my wife, I didn't want to say no so she is using it for her purposes. . My work is kind of like calligraphy and it can be difficult to find appropriate quotes to illustrate. My most enduring quotes have been scripture. Psalm 118:24 is a favorite passage of scripture: Rejoice in the day and be glad in it for this is the day the Lord has made. I have done that verse more times than I care to count. II Timothy 1:7 is another favorite: For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind. I find passages in the Bible that I have missed for years and then I will read an inspirational book and discover new verses. It is great.
Lately I have been reading books on improving my walk with God. And this scares me because I will see just how much there is to learn. This is when scripture comes in handy. For instance: I can do all things through God who strengthens me, Phillipians 4:13. Well, time to take my dog out. Nature calls.

Dog Days of Summer.

Woke up in foul mood today, my thoughts swirling with anxiety. It took an hour and a half to get myself to feeling okay. My mate has not been feeling well and between the two of us we weren't very good company. She is much better than me when it comes to dealing with anxiety. I usually have to spend a couple hours in the studio journaling to make myself right. Today this didn't work. I started on a drawing instead. I know when journaling doesn't work that I am really out of sorts. Perhaps it is another day of ninety degree temperatures that has me ragged. I am not sure. We have had a lot of warm days this summer and I am hoping for a break. At one point I sat out on the porch and there was the most beautiful breeze blowing through. It reminded me that in three and a half weeks September will be here. And the beginning of a little cooler weather is right behind.
I started work on a little drawing inspired by Psalm 118:24. "Rejoice in the day and be glad in it. This is the day God has made." The scripture reminded me that when I greet the day with an attitude of gratitude things go better. I have done more versions of this scripture than any other. This has always been a favorite verse.

Getting Through to the Other Side

I have been blocked for a few days and I am not sure how to break through it. A lot of time I don't think of art as the means to breaking through a problem. Art is art, nothing more. But on some level I think that art is more than art. There are a lot of books out there that will tell you art solves problems. At one time this was why it was taught in schools. One of my favorite books is "The Artist's Way." I learned that I could develop the discipline to finish things from the book. That if If I wanted to develop creativity in my life, I could do it. That is a lot of power. I did not have to give in to the idea that art was just not a thing one could use as a way to develop ideas. I found a quote by William Blake today: "Degrade first the arts, if you'd Mankind degrade." If you want to see a civilization decay, take away its art.
Art has been my savior, my salvation. Not God, but something more like a mother. It taught me that I could finish things. I could see a thing through to completion. My parents had ten children. That meant alone time with them could be a very difficult thing. So I started to create as a way to escape loneliness. My teachers saw my early attempts at art and responded positively. To me that was power. A way that I could get some much-needed attention.... I never thought of it as manipulation, but maybe that is what it was. A way to gain notice.
Lately I have been thinking so much about my teachers. They were a lifeline to sanity. They taught me so much. I never thought that I would realize how important education was, and an art education in particular. Today I know that my education saved my life. I was a dropout. But someone who educated me when I was young would not let me accept that. Someone took the time to see that I was educated. I was a difficult student. For one, I was left-handed. My Dad was an alcoholic and a dropout as well. So was my mom. She dropped out. To the best of my knowledge never stuck it into my head to get an education. But somehow my experiences with my teachers must have left a mark. A sixth grade teacher told the class about a former student who had hung himself in prison. It never occurred to me that she was making a point: Don't waste your time while you are here. Something like 70 % of prison inmates don't have a high school degree. In our town 50% of the students end up dropping out. I hear these statistics and I think, that is insane.
I guess there is a point: Thank you all my teachers for never giving up on me. I could have never learned to read and write. Somewhere some one cared enough to see that this didn't happen. Maybe I might have hung myself if I stayed on the path to illiteracy. Instead I got my high school equivalency diploma and then went to college. Thank God...

Tao Te Ching by Lao Tsu

I have been reading this book after finding one of a similar nature at a used book store. One thing I have been doing for a while is chasing a dream. A dream of art, finding a place for it in my life. I draw and paint and spend a lot of downtime thinking about doing something with it. I have been doing this for almost thirty years to little avail. The Tao says that desire leads us down a painful path. By focusing on something and desiring success we set ourselves up for a lot of heartache. And I can attest to this. It can be a very frustrating and painful road. Not always, I love to paint and draw, but when I try to make more of this, it becomes a recipe for painful unmet expectations. I chase after a dream that has for a long time just has not come true. Why does it seem as if some people are able to make their dreams come true while others just can't seem to make it happen? I wish that I could just accept disability as part of my reality and live with it. There seems to be a thing that is ingrained in each one of us to be a productive individual. I think that it is hardwired into us. When we don't have this productivity it becomes a recipe for depression. Something that can be hard to live with.
When we stop chasing dreams we can breathe a little sigh of relief and open ourselves up to positive emotions. I guess it is kind of like the man who spends his entire life chasing after success and never lets up. A type A personality. That is me. And I have hypertension and heart problems to show for it. It never occurred to me 'til now that I might be bringing this on myself. I didn't realize 'til just this moment that the Tao might be right. Sometimes our dreams can make us sick. And letting go of them might be the road to recovery.

Balance

A lot of time I spend trying to get my head to do things that were once easy. It is another part of my disabilty. It occurred as a result of a head injury. Depression is a big aspect of the injury. What can I do and what can't Ido? Gratitude for each new day is essential. Be grateful you are alive. Be grateful that you have survived another day. The first few years of my disability I almost didn't make it. I wanted out. I did not want this new life, I wanted my old one back. I had a life that was full, but also very busy. Iworked hard and I don't think I had my priorities straight. The injury changed all that. Today there is a lot more time on my hands and sometimes it is hard to be grateful for what I have. Drawing is one way I work on this. I draw a lot. Sometimes my work is what keeps me sane. I love to draw and paint. I had a little art education and it survived the injury.

Thank God...

Trusting the Process

A lot of time is spent in trying to decide what is attainable and what is beyond my grasp. I have been on disability for fifteen years ans sometimes it is impossible to remember what life was like before disability. What can I do? And how do I know if I am being honest with myself? Sometimes there is a tendency to over-intellectualize things. Depression is one of the primary aspect of my disability. It requires the most energy to overcome. It tells me everything is impossible. Why bother trying, you are only going to fail. Spirituality has helped. There is a lot of time spent in getting an attitude of gratitude. So what if I can't do everything I once did. I can still make little contributions to the world around me. I can still create. I can still make art, I am not dead. It takes a lot of time trusting God will get me through the dark times where I am constantly questioning what my limits are. Yes, I am not totally disabled. I can still do many things. So what can I do, and how do I know what is beyond me? I have to trust that God will show me the way, that He will gradually show me my path.

Chagall's World

Chagall was an orange tabby that passed away about two years ago. He passed away because one of his male catmates injured him and I got him to the vet too late to save him. I miss him. Why did I name this blog after Chagall? Marc Chagall was an artist that I admire. I believe he was Russian but spent time in Paris. His style was only that of Marc Chagall's. If he was influenced by others he did not let this keep him from being an artist of uncorrupted vision. He liked angels. He liked to depict a spiritual world. He designed stained glass windows. He was one of a kind. And my cat Chagall was one of a kind. His eyes were a unique color. He too must be an angel. At least I'd like to think so.

Keeping Up.

I just haven't had much desire to write lately.There is not much to share. I spent Friday at a large booksale that raises money for a local hospital.. It is the biggest used-book sale of the year and people come from other states to attend. I came back with a lot of artbooks. It is a fun sale and I go every year. I found a book of Winslow Homer's watercolors. There was a book about art theory titled "No Second-Hand Art." I found a book from Thomas Kinkaide about sketching. The book was written long before he became a household word for his paintings. I found an art history book about the lesser-known artists, those who are not usually found in the art history textbooks. Art textbooks can be dry, but I have had lots of experience reading them. So this should be an interesting read.

Just a Post

I have finished a drawing titled "Grace" . My wife says it is the best thing I have ever done. It is small, just 4x6 inches. I like it, yet I can't see the exceptional quality. I have been following the work of an artist named Terry Miller, he influenced me to the degree that I chose graphite as my medium for the work. I will post it at some point, but my computer has been on the fritz. There has been a reluctance to post lately, I just don't see the purpose of this. Sometime back I read that if one wants to get their work out to the public, a blog is a good way to do it. So far I have not experienced much success with this.

New Work

I just finished a 4" by 6" graphite drawing and I am pleased with it. I was trying to find some paper the other day and I found an old sketch pad from the nineties. It was quite a surprise, the work that I was doing back then. A lot of color pencil work. A lot of landscapes. A lot of work that was being influenced by some painful things I was going through at the time. The interesting thing to me was how little things have changed since then. At least that is my perception. I don't know why I keep track of all this. It was a painful period that I would just as soon forget.

New Directions

Now that the shop that showed my work has closed I am looking for new directions to explore. Sometimes I think about just not continuing. But I spend a lot of time journaling and sketching, and I think, wouldn't it be nice to teach others? I have kept a journal for the last eleven or twelve years, I use the method Julia Cameron taught in "The Artist's Way." I write three pages a day. I rarely miss a day. Writing centers me. Writing helps me to put my feelings in some sort of order. Sometimes I think wouldn't be nice to do art for fun again. Honestly, it would be nice to do fine art rather than silly little drawings. Drawings that I am really not excited about anymore. I picked up a book by Nita Leland yesterday. There are assignments to get the creative juices flowing again. Sometimes I think that I need to join a support group for artists, but I am not sure where to find one. I am in such a rut. When I look at the incredible work that is being created I wonder why I even bother. I think it is obvious that I suffer from some low moods. Listening to Tom Waits isn't helping. Oh well, I have a project to work on and that will probably snap me out of this crummy mood.

Change

It has been a rough couple weeks. My dog died, my cat got sick and had to go to the vet where he spent three days and ran up a huge bill. I found that the gallery where I show my work is going out of business. I am trying to remind myself to breathe. Just put one foot in front of the other. This too shall pass, as some great sage said. I am alive and I am finding the inner reserve to deal with all this. My dog was with me ten years. She was a mutt, a hound. She had the strongest nose and used to drag me around the yard in search of food. And invariably she found it and I'd have to try to get it from her. I don't know how many times I had to clean up messes because what she picked up didn't agree with her system. She was not an apartment dog. She wanted more than anything to spend as much time outside as she could. She would drag me around to try to get as much time outside as she could. She was a great dog, her flaws made her just one more part of my life that wasn't always easy. But I wouldn't want it any other way. I miss you Paloma, I miss you trying to get at the mailman and your habit of going after those you thought might not have my best interests at heart. You were a good dog. And I miss you more than I can say.

A Balanced View

Lately I have such a difficult time with self-criticism. Willing to make imperfect art and accepting it as a necessary part of growth is difficult for me. It is so easy to get into a rut and keep on putting out the same kind of work. It is accepted , therefore it must be okay. When do we get to the point where we are willing to take risks and try something new? I wish that it were possible to get others viewpoints. I know that other people experience the rut thing, but what do they do to get out of it? My partner is patient and supportive, and I get good advice, but I still do not feel good enough to try to step out into new art experiments. When much younger I only copied other artists work. It wasn't until I got to art school that I began doing my own work. School is a great place to try out new ideas, that is what it is there for. But what do you do to make new art just for the sake of stepping out into the unknown?

I am a coward. I do silly little drawings because I am scared to move out of my comfort zone. I avoid art that is beautiful because it reminds me that I will never be that good. It is kind of like the awareness that comes to you when you realize that you will never be great. I wasn't always this way. It has only been the last few years that I realized that I am incapable of creating fine art. I think that this is the primary reason that I left art school. I realized that I was never going to be as good as some of my classmates. It was a painful reality. One that I was unable to come to terms with. So I do silly little drawings. This frustrates me because I see professional artists work and I am filled with self-reproach at not being as good. Envy. One of my biggest character defects. Do other people feel this way? The awareness that comes to you one day when you realize that you will never be Andrew Wyeth or Picasso. I have heard this awareness occurs to you in your thirties. Mine happened later than that. Perhaps I was lucky. I avoided a painful reality a few years later than some. Or perhaps it took me a few more years to grow up.

I took a photo of the buds beginning to open on the lilac bush outside my front door. I used the macro setting but was unable to get a clear image. Many images later I was still not rewarded with a clear image. My goal was to record the opening of the buds and then paint the progression as they unfold. Today I went out and the beginning of the flower is already apparent. I see artists take good reference photos with their cameras and I am envious. Several days ago I found a slide projector at a thrift store and bought it so I could project slides onto my paper and draw. At one time I could go without using mechanical means as a way to plan a drawing but I've lost my patience.

Painting

I bought this travel kit by Winsor & Newton awhile back but I rarely use it. Lately I have tried to simplify my materials so I just pull this out and start to work. I used to hike all the time and a kit like this is invaluable. I hated to see the kit gathering dust so I am using it in the studio. I use a Rapidograph pen in the studio and Micron pens outdoors. I do not like the Microns at all....I am so used to the Rapidographs but they are expensive so I don't take them outdoors anymore.

Spring!

I can hardly believe that Spring is around the corner. It has been a long winter. In February we had the snowiest month on record. Around the house this week I have come into contact with a 'possum, a skunk and a young rabbit. That might not seem unusual, except that I live on a city block and there are houses on every street corner. One would think that wildlife like this would not find these conditions agreeable but they seem to be healthy and active. One day I let my dog out on our back deck, he was out there for awhile so I went to check on him. Curled up inthe corner of the deck was a 'possum acting as if he were dead. I knew that they can play dead so I let him be. Sure enough, the next morning he was gone. I was surprised that he had climbed up the stairs to our second-floor deck looking for something and then curled up in the corner. What he was looking for I have no idea.

I am still figuring out how to use my new camera. I tried the macro feature and took this photo. I was painting the buds that are beginning to turn green on our lilac bush. It is so good to see the green appearing so early. I used Winsor & Newton paints, a #6 sable brush, and Arches paper to do this sketch.

Writing Our Point of View

Just read another artist's blog about creating work, why we do it. Why does one choose to do a certain style of art? Rembrandt painted hundreds of self-portraits. Why so many? What led him to create so many images of himself? I identify with Rembrandt, I love black and white. He did many etchings and pen and ink drawings. He illustrated many scenes from the Bible. Was he a devout Christian? Why did he do so many Biblical themes? Why do I illustrate passages from the Bible? These are the most successful works I do. Maybe I am in a rut. The blog I was reading said that often we find a style that is successful and we are reluctant to do anything else. This is true of me. When I was younger I learned to draw by copying other artist's work. I worked a lot from photos as well. Now I just do my formulaic Bible quotes. The last couple of weeks I have been doing little self-portraits in pen and ink as well. There has been a temptation to do a Rembrandt self-portrait. I used to love to copy other artists work. I stopped doing them when I heard that this was frowned on by many as not art. I never sold these copies. I did not want to be known as a plagiarist. But this is a great way to grow and learn as an artist. In my opinion.
How do we avoid falling into the trap of creating the same thing over and over? How do we avoid a common pitfall: repeating ourselves? What happens when we get stuck doing the same old thing just because it is successful? This week I did little drawings of me in pen and ink and watercolors. I had great fun with this but would not show anyone the finished product. It is one of the first times in a long time that I avoided my formula. A good place to start.

The Wisdom of Plato

A great quote....

Finding Inspiration

I have been working on an idea to illustrate a quote: "There they were overcome with dread, where there was nothing to dread." (Psalm 53:5) A large portion of my life I have found myself approaching challenges this way. Right now I am working on this quote and I am afraid that I no longer have the ability to carry it out. Whenever I finished a painting in the past I was afraid that I would no longer be able to create. That this was my last work. Inevitably what would happen was that I would find enthusiasm for something I saw and would want to draw it. And the process would begin again. For a long time I would go into the studio and just look at my materials and clean up my workplace. I grew up in a family of ten children. Both of my parents were high school dropouts. My father was an alcoholic. I did not have a lot of hope that I could be anything I wanted. Fortunately there was an aunt who influenced me. She drew for me. She gave me the ability to dream.
I have a friend that has a frame shop. She was having a tough time over the last few months with slow sales. She has had her frame shop for many years so she has gone through tough times before. She and I were talking about the slow season and she made the remark, "you have to believe in yourself." Others have had the ability to believe in me 'til I could believe in myself. My friend in the frame shop has done that for me. She taught me how to frame my work, how to cut mats and glass. She taught me the intangibles as well. Things like believing in myself. I have learned to get through slow times, times where I questioned myself constantly. I am much older now. I know that "this to shall pass. " All that I have to do is show up. Inspiration will happen. Count on it.

My Muses

My dogs keep me company as I work on my art. My Shi Tzu spends a lot of time with me. My older dog, a shelter find, comes in when it is time to take her out. I am unsure of her heritage.

My studio space. Lots of "stuff." I have often wondered about artists spaces and how they look. When I was a kid I wanted to be a cartoonist. I found out that cartoonists worked at drafting tables. I bought a drafting table and have had one for many years now. Once I read an article by an artist who suggested that if one is to be a professional they should only buy professional art materials. I have always abided by that suggestion. I know it is probably not wise to put the cart before the horse, but I had no role models except those I found in books so I probably moved in the right direction rather slowly. When I was a little older I began a correspondence with Trina Schart Hyman the Caldecott Medal winner. She helped me with guidance when it came to schooling. She was a big help.

Self-honesty

I was just looking at a few blogs by professional artists. What talent. How does one achieve that level of skill? I have been fortunate enough to find people who buy my work and I am grateful that people think enough of it to purchase it for their homes. But I am not in the same league as some artists out there. What makes an artist develop their work to such a degree of perfection? Is it natural talent? Is it lots and lots of hard work? Is it possible to achieve a great talent by hard work alone? How does one sit down at the table or easel and just practice until one one gets proficient? Where does one find the motivation?

This is the first self-portrait I have done in a while. It shows. Anyway you look at it I'm working. I so enjoy self-portraits. The drawing is pretty bad. Portraiture has never been a strong suit. It is a wonder that I still try to create, but I like it. I really do.

Snowed-in

This snow is keeping me from framing work, my frames have not arrived and with this newest accumulation it will probably be a few more days.

The thing that bothers me is not the snow though, this is just an inconvenience. How do artists manage to develop the skills necessary to keep pushing during times of low or no interest? How does one keep plugging away? Art school pushes one to keep going, there are teachers who affirm you every day and this builds confidence. What happens when you are all alone in the studio and no one is sitting on your shoulder telling you to work? I wish I had the answer....

Snow

Today is a great day to create. The snow has been coming down for the last twenty-four hours here in south central Pa. There is probably a foot of snow plus another two feet from last Friday. We are not used to this kind of weather. I am going to get the camera out and take some snow scenes for posterity.
I did some self-portraits. Another blogger did a self-portrait for every day of the year. It inspired me to do a few of my own.

Digital Camera

I just acquired a digital camera and I am learning how it works. Sometimes I paint from photos but mostly I find the practice to be tedious. I used to love to do still-lifes in pencil and the photo here seemed as if might have potential....

New Work

I haven't been creating lately, I really have no desire to. Sometimes I think that I would like to see how others see my work. Maybe it is best I don't know, my self-esteem is kind of fragile. Anyway the point is moot since no one visits the site as far as I know. There has been some success in other areas, I have had my work in juried shows. But the work has been abstract, not at all like what I currently do. One area of frustration is the inability to draw anymore. Once this was not a problem, lately it is a source of some irritation. How does one develop the skills to draw? Actually it is not the ability so much as the desire. A watercolor course that I took some time ago showed that my drawing skills were still intact. A little rusty perhaps, but still there.
How does one get their blog noticed? What does it take to get the work out there?

New Work

There is an artist whose work I follow and I am always amazed at his productivity. He is able to complete a work in little more than a day. Sometimes I can start and finish a work in a day but it is a rarity. It takes a couple of hours to mat and frame it. I have a little Logan matcutter and it can be a little tricky to get a totally straight cut. Sometimes two attempts are needed. I went down to see an old friend at her frameshop today and she was working away. I learned how to frame from her and she is a very special friend. I ordered some glass from her and paid a ridiculously low price for it. At times I regret that I worked such a short time with her, she has a lifetime of experience to share. I noticed that she was using a framing square to make her lines and I thought that is really a smart way to do it. When your livelihood is nothing but framing you must learn a lot in twenty-six years.
I have no ideas right now. There is an art show coming up in June and the deadline for entries is Feb. 22nd. I have never entered a show where you have to send slides. Local shows that I entered required me to carry the work to the site where the show was being held. Then you had to wait a week before you were told whether or not you had been accepted. It has been a long time since I have been in a juried show. It is time to move into the next phase of my growth as an artist. A juried show where one submits slides or digital prints is next.

Comparing Oneself to Others

I look at other artists work and I am amazed at what they accomplish in a day's time. The quality of the work is phenomenal and it seems to come together so quickly. I know some of the artist's efforts come together because there has been a lot of learning along the way. But I think that even if I had a Ph.d in drawing I don't know that I could compete with some artists that are out there. As it is I have perhaps twenty credits of art education. I have had some on the job training, but not directly. I worked for a picture framer for awhile. I learned how to frame my work. I worked at an artist's supply store for a little while. I learned about the materials that are out there. When I was in art school I learned about perspective. My local art society taught me life drawing. Subscriptions to artist's magazines taught me a lot about the different work that is out there. I have had the good fortune to be near major cities. I have been to a lot of art museums. I would love to travel to Chicago to see the Art Institute, I haven't been there yet. I haven't been to the Metropolitan in New York City. I have been to Philadelphia and Baltimore, and I have been to other large cities to see their collections. I guess what I am getting at is that I have an education of sorts in art. But I don't know that I will ever be a Rembrandt, or a Dali, or a Matisse. I know that I won't. I just want to be good enough. And I don't know that will ever happen. There is a graphite artist whose work I admire. He turns out wonderful renderings in a days time. How does he do it? I don't know that we can ever be as good as our favorite artist's. But should we give up? I don't think so. Sometimes I think it is a balancing act: Admire other artists work but don't compare. Just be the best you can be.

Inspiration

I found the Navajo quote in one of my little notebooks that I carry around with me. I am always looking for quotes that might make good drawings. This one seemed especially good because it utilized the sun in the imagery. I really enjoy doing little watercolors of the sun. The picture took a couple of days to do, I wasn't satisfied with the first attempt. I wasn't satisfied with the second attempt either, but decided to try to make it work. The border is supposed to be a Navajo rug design. I am left-handed and have tried to do conventional calligraphy and it hasn't worked out. Instead I have tried to work with a less conventional script. Sometimes this less conventional script works well, and other times I have had to hunt around for something that complements the painting in a better manner.

Navajo Saying

I see every flaw in this, but I also see some things I like about it. I scanned the picture and it is kind of lopsided in the frame. I really like the saying. It is so true that today is all we have and we need to use it wisely.

Risk

Since this blog was created I have often asked myself if this is something I want to continue. Does it contribute anything of value, does it reach others? There are thousands of blogs out there. It seems everyone is creating blogs. Why do one more?
I don't know that my work is especially attractive, it does offer me a way to say something I find meaningful. I believe in the creation of art as a way to express views that I believe in. Ideally I want to reach people. If the blog doesn't do that what good is it? So far I don't know if I have reached one person. I hope I am, why risk putting the work out there if it is just for me? If you see this blog let me know. Your input is important. Art is to be shared. It might be created in solitude but it is meant to express something words cannot. It is a way to express beauty. Sometimes beauty is in the eye of the beholder though. What I mean is that I find beauty in what I do. I hope you do too.

New Year

It is hard to believe that we are in the second decade of the 21st century. My goal is to spend more time with others who share my interests and to work at healing a long-term illness. I have battled depression most of my adult life. It has periods where it is manageable, other times it controls every aspect of my life. I am in a slump now. I spend most of my time alone and with few exceptions, I have no close friends except my wife. My wife and partner keeps me grounded, she keeps me from self-destructing. I have a lot of gratitude for her and her upbeat optimistic outlook. She really does make life worthwhile. She is my cheering section, my pep squad. She is always there for me and I know that I can depend on her. Like me she has some serious health concerns. It keeps her in bed a lot. She could be depressed, but she tries not to let things get to her.
I would like to continue to expand my interest in art. Perhaps do some greeting cards. I tried to do some greeting cards in the past but had no consistent plan to deal with rejections. I had no idea how personally I would take rejection notices. I hope to see how others cope. I think it is amazing that I don't let my depression interfere with my other art. I haven't had too many rejections with my framed works. I have been able to consistently place my work, but probably not as aggressively as I could. Perhaps my depression takes more from me than I realize.